I am a wallflower.
John and Maggie think it's pretty funny that I think that about myself. But it's true! I've always been quiet and reserved, more shy than outgoing. Although I'd totally prefer to stay at home and hang out with my family all-the-time... on occasion society calls. Now that the boys are in school those occasions are becoming more frequent. Just yesterday, I had a meeting with Spencer's teacher. And the day before, he had a school performance. When in public, as silly as it seems, I often wonder if I don't look at other people, maybe they won't speak to me. But it's inevitable my eyes wander, and someone says "hello" and introduces his or herself.
I called my sister on the way home from Spencer's performance to see if she also feels awkward in those situations. (I was happy to hear she does). I'm not sure why, but in a roomful of women relatively the same age as me, I still feel like I'm fifteen. Even when meeting with Spencer's teacher I came away thinking I sounded like a big doofus. John and I talked about how I scrutinize the way I come across to people and the pride it reveals in my heart. I want to sound good. I want people to respect me.
This morning, I was reminded of my true position in this world as I listened to Casting Crowns in the car. Although I am not crazy about the tune, the words are perfect:
"I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours"
Praise God, He doesn't give up on me... but chooses to use me in spite of my sinfulness. Even if I am a big doofus. ;)
